[D]mergent

Say it to me now…


I am obsessed with the movie “Once” and its soundtrack. The other day at the gym I listened to the song “Say it to me now” 6 or 7 times in a row. I felt like weeping when I heard these words.

Scratching at the surface now
And I’m trying hard to work it out
And so much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt
And I’m looking for a sign
In this dark uneasy time

This expresses my encounter with God as of late. I feel as if I am seeking knowledge beyond my abilities. I just want it to work out. I want to know. I want assurance. I want peace and blessing. But I miss the mark. I am unsure if this quest is noble at all or if it is just for show. Is it fire insurance? I cry out in the darkness of my night for God to not be silent…I pause. I wait. I listen. I hear…

So if you have something to say
Say it to me now

And I’m not trying to pass the buck
I’m just trying to get a better look
And I’m wondering how it feels for you
Now that the shoe is on the other foot
And I didn’t understand
When you reached down to take my hand

I accept responsibility for what I do and not do. I seek costly grace and shun cheap grace. I tremble before blind faith or what it seems to me, a foolish plunge. I am thankful that God is God and I am not. I just focus on the exploitation, whining and bargaining that humanity participates in. I ponder if I am really just kidding myself.

And if you have something to say
You’d better say it now

Cause this is what you’ve waited for
A chance to even up the score
And as these shadows fall on me now
I will somehow
Cause I’m clearing up this wreckage Lord
And there’s more than you’ve ever seen before

I hate that there is uncertainty of being/existence when I have no idea what was before life and what will be in death. Is this a veiled attempt at piety? I panic because I am at your whim and it forces me to trust you. I have no other means to swim in the sea of doubt. I am nervous and scared. I hope to hear your voice. How do I listen?

So if you have something to say
Say it to me now

These lyrics, this song speaks a reality I feel the church has been asking for sometime now. God if you are still speaking, if you have not turned your voice from our ears what shall you say? If you have something to say, then say it to us now.

By Ryan Kemp-Pappan

Ryan is a minister with the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) at Douglass Blvd. Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky. He has a B.A. in Religious Studies from California State University, Northridge and a M.Div. from Austin Seminary (TX). He delivers mad Esoteric Piracy. He is a co-founder of UNCO.  He enjoys the silence of mimes. He is an avid runner and blogs at#RUNREVRUN. He just saved a bunch of money on car insurance!


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